Expressing our emotions is an essential part of feeling heard and understood by others, and of having our emotional needs met, but for many of us it’s almost impossible to express what we feel. 

There are different underlying reasons for this. Some of us have been raised in families where emotional expression was frowned upon or criticised. We might have learned it was unsafe to openly express how we felt and that doing so led to an angry or intolerant response, or we might have been ridiculed for feeling a certain way. It’s amazing the impact that being called over-sensitive and similar names has on a child in terms of effectively shutting them down.

For others, issues around communicating their emotions are an extension of communication differences more generally. Struggling to communicate in a way that fully expresses what you think and feel is a common experience for many neurodivergent people, and this can extend to conversations that often feel emotionally charged. It can be difficult to stay in control of what we want to say, or to be able to clearly communicate, which can result in us not getting our point across or feeling that it’s easier to stay quiet. 

Another reason why some neurodivergent people can find it hard to express their feelings is because of alexithymia. It’s estimated that between 40%-50% of people with ADHD experience alexithymia and that between 40% to 65% of autistic people have alexithymia, to some degree.

The following discussion goes into more detail about Alexithymia, which is a condition that's often misunderstood, but the strategies and emotions wheel can help you whether or not you have Alexithymia.

Alexithymia is a condition that can make it hard to experience emotions, including our own emotions and those of other people. Not all neurodivergent people have alexithymia and much of that earlier research that suggested that autistic people lacked empathy was based on autistic people who had alexithymia. But for those people who do have alexithymia, it can make it hard to identify what they’re feeling, and to express what they’re feeling. This exists on a spectrum, from people who struggle to identify and express any emotions, to people who find it hard to identify more subtle emotions, or to have the language to go beyond what they’re describing in anything other than basic or big emotion terms. 

Being unable to clearly identify and express our feelings is very frustrating and can feel distressing. People often describe it as feeling that there’s something brewing inside of them, but they can’t describe what that is. Some people experience a sense of numbness due to being unable to identify what it is that they’re feeling, or they start to shut down because everything feels too overwhelming. And some people know that they care about people and causes, but they don’t have the same intensity of feeling that others tend to have.

Not being able to identify what you’re feeling can mean that emotions aren’t picked up on until they reach massive proportions, and there’s an explosion of emotion. People with alexithymia often feel that they haven’t picked up on what they’re feeling until their body forces them physically to acknowledge that something is wrong and they experience a meltdown. 

When you don’t pick up on, or can’t identify your feelings, it can be almost impossible to express those feelings to other people, which can lead to feelings of isolation, frustration and desperation. I often hear from people who visit therapists who encourage the person to name their emotions and the experience can end up in frustration because they feel unable to do so. 

Some people with alexithymia resort to logic to explain their emotions, which has led them to be accused of being uncaring or unemotional by other people. Some experience a deep emotional response, but it’s at a different time to most other people, which also often attracts criticism.

Some Alexithymic people face judgement for becoming overly stimulated or reactive, because the build up to their emotional state isn’t obvious to other people. For some people, when they do try to discuss what they’re feeling with people close to them the whole experience is so emotionally charged by that point that it ends in a frustrated, emotional argument where their needs remain unmet.

Alexithymic behaviours can also be connected with self-harming behaviours. When you’re experiencing something that feels wrong, and big, and overwhelming, but you don’t know what it is, there’s a possibility of turning to self-harm in a bid to try and release or cope with some of the pain, which feels too much. Alcohol and drug use can be another coping mechanism for some people to manage that unrecognised emotional tension, which is often felt in a very physical way. 

Although it doesn’t come naturally, people with alexithymia can learn to identify what they’re feeling. This often requires support from people around you and working with a therapist who understands Alexithymia can be very helpful. 

Often, although you may not know what it means, there is a physical sensation that something feels off. You might have an awareness that you’re clenching your jaw, or that you’re feeling uncomfortably hot or slow, heavy and numb. If these physical sensations feel different to your usual, it could be possible that they’re connected with your emotional state. For instance, a clenched jaw could represent stress, while feeling hot could represent agitation and feeling numb and heavy might represent sadness. If you start taking a note of feelings, you can start noticing whether there’s a pattern in where they end up. For instance, if you feel hot has that led to an angry outburst at some point? Have you felt it hard to cope with the stressors of your day when you’ve had a tight jaw and neck?

I’ve provided an emotions wheel which identifies some of the more subtle feelings that underlie those bigger, overwhelming feelings, and taking a note of what your physical sensations might mean – and where they’ve led to in the past – whilst looking at the range of emotions they might represent can be helpful. 

Some Alexithymic people rely on their own words to describe their emotions, even if these words are different to how most people would explain them. You might feel “fizzy” or “blobby” or “yellow”. It can be difficult for other people to understand what these words mean, but if they are supportive and patient, you can spend time with them explaining where these feelings might take you, or, if you can identify it, where you might feel them in your body. 

Given that some Alexithymic people feel sensations physically, explaining what’s happening in your body can be helpful. For instance, “my chest feels like I can’t breathe” might be your way of saying you are anxious. Or “my legs are like lead” today might be your way of saying you’re feeling depressed. 

And if you’re someone who processes their emotions at a logical level, it’s important to explain to explain to others that this doesn’t make you less feeling. This is simply your way of making sense of what’s happening and using logic to provide a bridge between what’s going on inside of you is what makes most sense to you. Responding in a logical way to someone isn’t a sign of a lack of care.

With these types of strategies in place, Alexithymic communication can feel easier and it’s important to have as much support in place as is possible so that other people can learn about and validate your communication style.

If you find yourself unable to communicate your feelings because of being put down so for doing so at a young age, feeling unsafe in expressing your feelings, or being criticised for being over-reactive or over-sensitive, it’s important to recognise that your emotional experience is valid. It might be more intense than other people’s and you might become more easily dysregulated or upset than most people, none of which is easy to experience, but that doesn’t make it wrong. If there are people close to you who you trust, when you are feeling calm, have a discussion with them about why you experience things differently. Sometimes other people’s responses come from a place of fear, or thinking that they have done something wrong. If you can explain that you experience the world differently to them, it can help both you of realise that this is a valid part of your experience. Gaining support from neurodivergent communities and people who have similar experiences can be extremely helpful in recognising your emotional experience as valid. 

I hope you’ve enjoyed the course. Developing all of your emotional regulation skills takes time and effort, which feels unfair when it’s something that comes more naturally to a lot of people. But the strategies really can help you feel more empowered and in control of your emotions. One thing we haven’t touched on in this course is anxiety, mainly because it’s such a huge topic that it needs a course of its own. Keep up the self-reflective work and give the tools I’ve provided a go. They really do make a difference. Thanks for joining me on the course.