Emotional meltdowns are intense, overwhelming experiences that many of us face. They are not just moments of frustration or anger—they are episodes of complete emotional overload, often triggered by an accumulation of stressors. I’m sometimes asked by people whether I think their behaviour represents a meltdown, or something else. As with most things, everyone experiences meltdowns differently. The way most people describe them, though, is that they feel like your emotions have reached a point where you’re no longer fully in control. My experience – and some of my clients have described something very similar – is that it’s like a switch has gone off at some point where you’re “on the other side”. For me, this is usually screaming and crying uncontrollably. I’ve never been physically violent, except as a child, but I’ve felt very close and I have ended up smashing things. 

Running away, or having a desperate desire to escape – even if it means ending up in a dangerous situation – is another common meltdown experience. Like me, many people shout, scream, break things and can become violent towards others. I sometimes understand meltdowns by imagining an animal who feels trapped and needs to escape. Imminently. This can erupt as uncontrollable rage and fear and disruptive or dangerous behaviour. When we’re having a meltdown, we’re very far away from being the usual rational person we might be. 

When I’ve reached meltdown state, it feels a bit like a fugue state. I can’t always remember what happened, which usually manifests in me having thrown things out that annoy me and having absolutely no memory of doing so the next day. Being in the midst of a meltdown can feel like a ridiculously powerful high. 

The way you experience meltdowns might be very different, but those key aspects of feeling out of control, feeling distressed, feeling trapped and unable to make sense of anything are all commonly experienced by people experiencing a meltdown. 

When you are having a meltdown, there’s very little you can do except to try and keep yourself and others around you safe. You can put in measures to ensure that you stay safe, such as knowing in advance there’s a safe space – your bedroom for instance – that you can go and scream, shout or sob without being disturbed by anyone else. Knowing you’ve got a place can help avoid the need to run away, which can lead you into more dangerous territory. You can also discuss, in advance, with people close to you what you need from them to stop the situation becoming even worse. Friends and family sometimes think they’re being helpful by trying to reason with us when we’re having meltdown. Using the trapped animal analogy, that’s like trying to pat a caged, and very distressed tiger. You’re so trapped in your emotional brain at this point that anyone trying to reason with you or, worse, ask for an apology is only going to escalate the situation. If you need to be completely alone, make this clear to people around you. Or if you need someone to be around, to know they’re there for you, without speaking too much, or to be your sounding board while you scream and shout, discuss this with them in advance. Remember, it’s important to respect other people’s experience, too, and not everyone feels they can be around their loved one in the midst of a meltdown. 

The emotional timeline, which we discussed earlier, can be a helpful tool to start identifying patterns that are more or less likely to lead to meltdowns and learning to recognise those earliest signs, no matter how subtle, is one of the most useful things you can do for yourself. It’s also helpful to start becoming aware of the types of situations that have often to meltdowns in the past, which might include a lack of sleep, being hungry, things not going to plan or feeling overworked. 

Another helpful resource I’ve put at the end of this lesson is a Meltdown wheel. These huge feelings – like the rage and distress – are often expressions of more subtle feelings of frustration and irritation, which reach a level where they become unmanageable. By using the wheel – which is different to traditional emotions wheels – you can start to identify some of the less intense emotions you might be experiencing. This can give you some insight as to whether you’re potentially heading for a meltdown, and need to take some time out or avoid certain situations or people altogether. 

The emotional timeline is also helpful in determining what you need after a meltdown. This is a recovery phase and it’s when you need to bring all the awareness, self-compassion and support from those around you into play. This might be when you need a hug, or complete peace, or someone periodically checking in that you’re ok. You’ll know what works best, and worst, for you. Those of us who have meltdowns tend to hate having meltdowns. End of. We didn’t ask to have meltdowns. We’re distressed and troubled by the experience of having them. And we know that, although we can learn to minimise how many we have and avoid some of them, if we can learn about emotional regulation and our own personal timelines, that we’re likely to have another one at some point. 

If we get into a cycle of self-blame at this point, it only makes the situation worse. And it’s important that other people learn to accept your meltdowns as part of your neurodivergence, too. As something you have no control over in the moment. Acceptance from a family member, friend or partner doesn’t mean that they can’t express the impact a meltdown has had on them, and it’s important not to silence others. But it does mean that they can accept this as something you experience which, for you, is a normal part of your experience. Having a discussion, when you are feeling calm, about the impact of meltdowns on your loved ones, and what they might need in order to move forwards is part of you learning how to integrate meltdowns as an accepted part of your experience. 

It might be that you and whoever was involved during your meltdown, if anybody else was involved, need to spend some time discussing the meltdown, reflecting on how it affected you both and whether there’s anything you can learn from the experience. But at the end of the day, whilst it’s not the most pleasant part of our neurodivergent experience, it is a part of life that many people have to navigate and awareness can only be helpful in helping us to do so.