Emotional regulation means understanding how to respond to your emotions in a way that helps you feel calmer and more in control. It’s not about pushing your emotions away or ignoring them. More, it’s about recognising them and finding ways to deal with situations in a way that feels safe and manageable.

You might be listening to this and thinking I have absolutely no idea how to do that and a few years ago, before I discovered I was autistic and spent time exploring different methods of emotional regulation, I had no idea either. The only not very healthy solution I’d ever discovered was alcohol, which numbed me enough to feel things less intensely. Of course, over time, it affected my mood severely and I could tell it wasn’t doing my long term health any good. 

We’ll just recap on the fact that neurodivergent people have emotional responses that are often more intense than other people, and it takes longer for their logical brain to connect with, and calm down, their emotional brain. This means that many of the solutions that are commonly suggested to help us regulate and manage our emotions just don’t do the job. That’s not to say that a wide range of strategies aren’t worth exploring and you might just find something that works for you, whether or not someone else might benefit from a different approach. 

Meditation can be helpful in helping regulate our nervous systems generally, but because the emotional responses that we feel are often so rapid and intense, neurodivergent people may benefit from a different type of regulation approach. Some people find breathing exercises helpful, but for others their escalation is too extreme to benefit from breathing exercises “in the moment” and practicing breathing when they are in a calmer state only has so many benefits. Again, if you feel this works for you that’s great – there’s genuinely no one-size-fits all.

But many neurodivergent people find it easier to focus on things that occupy their mind in quite an intense or focused way. It’s like swapping the emotional intensity for another type of intensity. This could be writing, drawing, puzzles, building lego, doing work – anything that takes you out of the intense mindset you’re currently in. 

Shutting off all sensory input, except what feels good or manageable, can also be a workable solution. Many people, when they’re upset or overwhelmed, simply need to take a bit of time, discuss how they feel with someone else, and can get on with their day. Neurodivergent people often need to completely remove themselves not just from the situation but from noises, lights and situations that suddenly feel completely overwhelming. 

On the other hand, sensory input that feels good, such as soft blankets, hot water bottles, stroking cats or dogs, coloured lights or certain scents can really help us regulate our emotions. Having some comforting sensory items ready for when we need them or, if possible creating a sensory corner in a room, can be a great way to regulate our emotions. And it’s not just a great way to deal with overwhelm. Engaging in sensorily-rewarding activities when we feel ok is a good way to calm our nervous system so that we’re more prepared for difficulties when they arise. 

Sometimes an extreme sensory experience, such as stepping out in the rain or wind, or a physical experience such as jumping up and down can help take us out of that emotional state we’re in, and act a bit like an emotional reset. 

And if you’re someone who stims, having stim toys or objects, or making sure that you’re in a space where you feel comfortable making noises, or repeating words, or shaking your legs, sucking your thumb or doing anything else which can comfort you is really important. 

Regulating is important. It’s one way you can begin to gain control of your emotional responses. If that means you spend more time doing it, or your methods look different to other people’s, that’s totally fine. You’re coming from a different starting point to most other people, so it makes sense that your solutions might have to be different, too.